Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
