were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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