RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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