sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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