Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
