WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Found the puke drawer
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
