Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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