Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
