god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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