that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
