I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
