OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
