and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
