Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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