You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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