I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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