There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
