I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
