I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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