you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
