Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
