I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so much tequila, so little girl.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
