Even water is tasting like jack daniels
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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