i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
