So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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