I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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