Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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