I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
