the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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