It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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