Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
