why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
