Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
