i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
