I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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