sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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