I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
