Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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