at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
