mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
