plz talk dirty to me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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