It's like a parade of train wrecks.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
