How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
