I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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