Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
