I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your cock deserves a montage
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
