So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You ate ashes out of my bong
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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