Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
