I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
