So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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