The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
