Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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