When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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