I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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