dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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