I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
