im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
