happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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