Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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