I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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