I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
